the fatling

Fat Fat Fat Fat Girl

Jesus, I really ought to call this thing my Tumblweed for as often as I opt to update it.  The entire interface has changed since the last time I logged in.  What commitment issues?

What’s shaking, Fanlings?  The Fatling is putting her cankles up after a loooong day of work and housecleaning.  The Fatfather and Fatbro III are coming to visit next week and there’s still a LOT that needs doing.  I did conquer the mountain of crap on my coffee table and the mountain of dishes in the sink.  It’s a start, but Adoring Husband has rehearsals for some William Shakespeare joint every night, and I’m working more than I had been for the awesome snack room job as I have been promoted to a permanent position.  So, fuck yeah, Fatling!  Way to be a productive member of society.  To think it was only eight months ago that I nearly named this blog “Infirmary for the Brainsick” as a forum for me to whine about how depressed and unemployed I am.  I would much rather read a blog about an employed person whining about how fat she is.

Speaking of which, the fat stops here!  This is the plan, anyway.  The Fatling has embarked upon The Couch to 5K Training Plan, not because The Fatling plans to run a 5K or anything, just because The Fatling has never, ever learned how to run.  It’s very challenging and frustrating and I’m no good at it so far, but practice makes able to run for three minutes without stopping, right?

I’ve also been standing up for a portion of my workday, and it makes me really, really happy.  Sitting down for hours made me feel like crap, so now I can stand up until I get tired and switch back when I get sick of sitting down.  I’ve also stopped working on the couch, because seriously, WTF Fatling?  You have a permanent-style job now, with flexible hours and benefits.  Quit acting like a frat boy.

The Fatling is super, super hungry as she writes this.  This weekend, I fell off the clean living wagon by smoking a bunch of cigarettes, eating pizza twice and a massive burrito once.  I also drank a lot of beer.  So the two pounds I lost last week came back for a visit this morning, so I’ve been hitting the food very lightly today.  I sauteed eggplant and some other veggies for dinner, which turned out okay, but Adoring Husband wasn’t a huge fan.  It was my first attempt at eggplant, so maybe next time will turn out a bit better.  I did season the dish with basil from The Fatling’s own windowsill herb garden.  It’s been kind of touch and go in terms of figuring out how much water and sunlight the plants need, but I’m getting the hang, I think.

That is not the point!  The point is that I’m starving, and am weighing the pros and cons of making some popcorn.  If I had a brown bag, I could pop some in the microwave, but I don’t, so oil would be my only option.  I could, of course, eat a little more of the vegetables, which I will probably do.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this extra-special glimpse into the Fatling’s diet.  In case you’re wondering, for breakfast, I had coffee.  For lunch, I had an open-face turkey sandwich, celery sticks and arugula.  For my snack, I had some delicious ginger snaps and a plum.  But that’s all wearing off now, so I better snarf something before I pass out.

The Fatling Gets Fatter

Greetings, Fanlings.  The Fatling has returned from her travels to Southwest Ohio, a land eternally blanketed in a layer of shredded cheddar cheese. 

I ate a lot of food on my trip.  A LOT.  I ate like it was my job, which, since I was on vacation, I guess it sort of was.  But this mastication has taken its toll.  Even my super-duper Fatling fatty jeans are too tight now.  This is extremely uncomfortable, as you can well imagine if you have ever succeeded in wearing pants that are too small for you.  Yowch.

I imagine a few days of calorie restriction and lots of water should help me shed most of the new pounds—I ate a lot of salt, like probably a hillock, all told—I am still left with the task of taking off the old pounds, the ones borne of sitting around on my ass stuffing my snackhole with Corn Pops and pizza.

This is going to be tough, for as we all know, The Fatling is LAZY with a capital EVERYTHING.  I am, however, writing this standing up, as a prominent blogger Adoring Husband likes has suggested that one do one’s work standing up, rather than sitting down and letting one’s cellulite pool unattractively around the hips.

So I’m giving that a try, since my first choice, the treadmill desk, is cost-and space-prohibitive at this time.  Still, even without the benefit of expensive, aspirational office/exercise equipment, precedent suggests that The Fatling was significantly lighter and trimmer when she was forced to spend 40 hours a week on her feet as a retail wage slave, so surely this standing up thing will have some good effect.

The Fatling is also looking at implementing some stringent and exciting productivity-inducing measures, which should mean more consistent blogulation in this space, so I will keep you posted on all that.

There’s probably much more to tell you (i.e. a detailed breakdown of all my meals on vacation, hilarious/depressing anecdotes from the Catholic wedding I went to this weekend, an update on books I read and television I watched), but I have a productivity goal to achieve before I trek over to the office with the amazing snack room for a meeting, so it will all have to wait.

CONFIDENTIAL TO HER FATNESS: Listen, we will hang out for a long time when I am back in July and I don’t have Adoring Husband’s hideously unattractive family monopolizing my time.  We will eat Indian food and drink wine and hang out with the Chief, which, if you don’t know who that moniker refers to, I take back everything I said just now.