Okay, Fanlings, in the spirit of full disclosure, I do not actually have a migraine today. If I did, I certainly couldn’t blog about it, because the normally loving, comforting glow of my computer’s monitor would transform into a hellish glare, searing my retinas as it increased the pounding pain inside my cranium.
No, I had a migraine all weekend. Now, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but migraines are no fun. When migraines attack, horrible things happen. For example, inability to sleep, having the opening riff to Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” stuck in your head for the duration of the migraine, copious vomiting, frequent crying and wailing “why, god, why?!” And this from the Fatling, who is a confirmed atheist. I can only imagine what believers say to the god who has forsaken them. They probably use more four-letter words.
The most frustrating part of this particular migraine is the fact that I yakked up everything I ate on Saturday (a bowl of Del Monte Very Cherry Fruit Cocktail) and still managed to gain half a pound from the day before. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, Fatling, you aren’t supposed to weigh yourself everyday! That shit will make you crazy!” Well, you’re probably right, Fanlings, but crazy is as crazy does. And The Fatling DOES weigh herself every day, unless she eats something before she remembers to weigh in. Because we all know that weighing oneself post-nosh is a terrible idea.
Anyway, I’m in the long, arduous process of trying to figure out why the fuck I get migraines to the tune of once a week. Sometimes my heavy-duty meds work, sometimes they don’t. My migraines could be triggered by stress. They could also be triggered by something in my diet, which is why I’m supposed to keep a food diary. I’m not very good at that. It’s also why I have quit drinking, smoking and now, drinking Diet Coke. This makes The Fatling very, very sad. I love Diet Coke like it was my very own bastard child. Diet Coke makes me feel skinny. It has “diet” right in the name! When I drink Diet Coke, I feel like I am a sassy lady of the world, telling high calorie beverages to stick it right in their liquidy ears.
Unfortunately, the high amounts of aspartame and caffeine in Diet Coke might be causing this recent spike in migraine activity, and seriously, I have just about had it with Rhiannon ringing like a bell in the night, and no, I wouldn’t love to love her. I am tired of bailing on all the shit I want to do because I can’t walk without the sensation of a railroad spike being driven through my frontal lobe. So when I woke up yesterday morning to discover that my heavy-duty migraine medicine wasn’t cutting the proverbial mustard, I said “NEVER AGAIN!” to Diet Coke. I am also not drinking coffee, in case the caffeine is the culprit here. Pray for me.
The side effect of not drinking Diet Coke, or indeed, any caffeinated beverages, is the onset of not-quite-migraine-level-but-nonetheless-persistent headaches. A morning dose of Excedrin Migraine (which, yes, contains caffeine) seems to be keeping these in check. Hopefully this trend will continue and I will be able to wean myself off of the Excedrin once my Diet Coke detox completes itself.
They say that aspartame makes a person crave actual sugar, so I’m kind of hoping that my pie-a-day habit will subside somewhat. I’ve also read that caffeine makes a person gain weight around her midsection, so I’m also hoping that this will help me lose some weight.
I suppose the point of this post is to illustrate the fact that literally any action I take in life—whether it’s migraine-induced vomiting or aspartame elimination or taking Excedrin Migraine—is quickly trailed by the thought, “Man, I hope this helps me lose weight.” And that, my friends, is kind of fucked up.